A Cheesy, Stupid, and Utterly Useless Website

I've been writing screenplays for over fifteen years now.  Screenplays are written so they can be turned into movies, so if they don't become movies they become as valuable as a gazillion shares of Blockbuster Video stock.  An unproduced screenplay is more valuable shredded up so it can be turned into pulp for paper recycle mills.  Also, unproduced screenplays are handy shovels that can be used to pick up cat poop in litter boxes with hardly any mess.  Believe me!!!

 

I decided to go ahead and publish a few screenplays I've written (none produced) that have done fairly well in the screenwriting competitions I've entered them into.  You see, it's every aspiring screenwriter's ego to win a major screenwiting competition.  And to stroke that ego a little more, you imagine Martin Scorcese was one of the judges.  You then receive a call from his agent and find out "Marty" wants to buy your script and make it into a movie with Leo DiCaprio.  And so you start paying these astronomically high screenwriting competition entrance fees (up to $100 sometimes) so you can one day have imaginary Scorcese direct imaginary Leo in your imaginary movie.

 

Anyway, here are a few screenplays I wrote and a couple of plays that were produced.  Please feel free to save them and study for your community college screenwriting class, or you can print them to use as cat poop shovels.

 

 

SCREENPLAYS

L.A. STOCKBROKER (aka "L.A. Woman")

Logline:  Chad reassesses his womanizing life after taking in Tiffany, a young abused prostitute. Tiffany teaches Chad how to respect women again and how to cross the fine line between sex and love. (***This actually started out as a novel, and I got lazy and just made it a screenplay.)

 

Semifinals: 2007 Scriptapalooza Screenwriting Competition

Quarterfinals:  11th Annual Fade In Awards; 2008 Page International Screenwriting Awards

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Be My Fantasy Football

Logline:  Chris's obsession with fantasy football ends a three-relationship with his fiance. When he later finds her dating the star quarterback on his fantasy team, Chris must decide if his love of football is really more important than the love of his woman.

 

Quarterfinals:  2012 Slamdance Screenwriting Competition; 2013 Scriptapalooza Screenwriting Competition

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1-800-R-JOB-SUX

Logline:  An underachieving law school grad must save the call center he works at before it is outsourced to India.

 

Quarterfinals:  11th Annual Fade In Awards

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Cyborg Deathmatch" ("The Simpsons" spec script)

 

Logline:  Bart enters a "Cyborg Deathmatch" video game competition and finds out someone close to him is just as good in the game as he is.

 

Quarterfinals:  2004 Writer's Network Screenwring Competition, 2004 San Diego Film Festival

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

PLAYS

It's Like Mamet Dammit (a one-act play)

I wrote this after dropping out of a USC summer film class back in 1997.  I was trying to get into the regular film school at the time and took the summer class hoping it would increase my chances of getting in (it didn't and I ended up getting rejected twice).  It was a beginning film production class that George Lucas and every famous USC film alum took and cost about $4500.

 

After the first day of class I realized the money wasn't worth it.  Not that I was already an auteur like Jean-Luc Godard, but $4500 was a lot of money to shoot in just Super 8mm film.  So I dropped out and took a $2500 cinematography class instead.  I realized it was better that I study filmmaking techniques rather than shoot a bunch of experimental shorts with a bunch of young wannabee filmmakers.  In frustration of trying to convince the USC summer school dean to let me drop out of the class, I wrote this play.

 

(Side note:  There was this pregnant girl in the cinematography class who was talking to some older guy.  He started asking her a bunch of questions, and that's when I realized he was flat out hitting on her during class.  He asked if she was married, and she said she wasn't and that it was her boyfriend's baby.  He then asked about her boyfriend.  She told him her boyfriend was in a band.  The guy rolled his eyes realizing her baby was probably doomed to life as a destitute, but he continued to hit on her.  He asked what kind of band he was in.  She wasn't sure how to respond to the question, so she just said, "He's in U2."  And he was like, "Do they play around here?"  And then she said her boyfriend was "The Edge" in U2.  And that's when he gave up the pursuit.  That story alone was worth $2500.)

 

If you dont know who David Mamet is, he is an American playwright/filmmaker known for his profanity and fast-paced dialogue (he was also a big influence on Quentin Tarantino).  This one-act (and its name) was inspired by Mamet's play "Sexual Peversity in Chicago."  

 

This was first produced in 1998 in New York City inside an off--off-off Broadway theater that no longer exits.  (*** I'm the "young California playwright" on pg. 193 of the book "Sundancing").